tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74161640249227046572024-02-08T02:48:58.200-08:00Joke of the DayGreat collection of joke of the day, favorite joke of the day, clean joke of the day, funniest joke of the day.Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.comBlogger218125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-92140604903918606322010-05-22T05:02:00.000-07:002010-05-22T05:03:54.386-07:00JOKE OF THE DAY HARD TO PLEASE<p>The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice:</p> <p>"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done it."</p> <p>The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:</p> <p>"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."</p> <p>"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-58887702605909669612010-05-20T05:05:00.000-07:002010-05-20T05:06:05.367-07:00JOKE OF THE DAY HAIRThe school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented:<br /><br />"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you want an extry puff."Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-84302936716266582492010-05-11T04:02:00.000-07:002010-05-11T04:03:34.310-07:00Joke of the day It is a matter of...It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League, an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the dock.Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-32370236943045913832010-05-10T03:46:00.000-07:002010-05-10T03:47:57.508-07:00Joke of the Day The old womanThe old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.<br /><br />"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll begin again, and probably keep it up all day."Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-73622907843509755802010-05-06T23:45:00.000-07:002010-05-06T23:47:19.560-07:00JOKE OF THE DAY HABITIt was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he directed them, "Please, stand up."<br /><br />The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him, and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:<br /><br />"We have ginerally sot."Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-14273162068197333952010-04-21T08:30:00.000-07:002010-04-21T08:33:30.131-07:00JOKE OF THE DAY GRIEFAt the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.<br /><br />The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by the man.<br /><br />"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I cut up."Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-82113406021307286532010-04-12T06:46:00.000-07:002010-04-12T06:48:02.171-07:00JOKE OF THE DAY GREEDAn eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:<br /><br />"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."<br /><br />The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:<br /><br />"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."<br /><br />"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.<br /><br />"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.<br /><br />The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-50132265746195012752010-03-31T02:35:00.000-07:002010-03-31T02:36:17.991-07:00JOKE OF THE DAY GRASS<p>The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and shouted:</p> <p>"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would have given two hundred dollars an acre for."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-37273869439365750232010-03-17T00:13:00.000-07:002010-03-17T00:15:52.335-07:00Joke of the Day The witness<p>The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:</p> <p>"Them hain't the boots what was stole."</p> <p>The judge rebuked the witness sternly:</p> <p>"Speak grammatic, young man—speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots as was stealed.'"</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-21368127975799465002010-03-15T08:00:00.000-07:002010-03-15T08:02:19.527-07:00Joke of the Day The teacher<p>The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply.</p> <p>The teacher corrected the child:</p> <p>"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112"> </a></span>am not going.'" And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you say all that?"</p> <p>The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.</p> <p>"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-33545958393934652262010-03-14T05:38:00.000-07:002010-03-14T05:40:31.798-07:00JOKE OF THE DAY GRAMMAR<p>The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb.</p> <p>"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.</p> <p>The little girl corrected the lady:</p> <p>"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-14647689553297317912010-03-12T06:19:00.000-08:002010-03-12T06:20:31.455-08:00Joke of the Day The new clergymanThe new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.<br />"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practise it!"Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-31303463665288634012010-03-09T07:31:00.000-08:002010-03-09T07:34:43.166-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY GRACE<p>The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the special service<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111"> </a></span>through which he had passed, but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too, he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his protest, however, the father insisted.</p> <p>So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:</p> <p>"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-75854956420054565342010-03-05T03:25:00.000-08:002010-03-05T03:26:42.618-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY GOLF<p>The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.</p> <p>"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.</p> <p>"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even than you are."</p> <p>"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.</p> <p>And the caddy replied:</p> <p>"Arbuthnot-Joyce."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-34721266430155335132010-03-03T03:31:00.000-08:002010-03-03T03:32:26.491-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY GOD'S WILL<p>The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"><br /></a></span></p><p>"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and it's deader 'n dead."</p> <p>His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:</p> <p>"Yes, we beat it and beat it until—until God called it home!"</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-27038245747588878022010-03-03T03:30:00.000-08:002010-03-03T03:31:02.812-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY GODThe little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable pride:<br /><br />"I'm drawing a picture of God."<br /><br />"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen God. No one knows how God looks."<br /><br />"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they will."Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-83265199748406711062010-02-27T06:12:00.000-08:002010-02-27T06:13:37.183-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY GHOSTS<p>There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid, he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not, however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109"> </a></span>his reappearance after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to the haunted house for the night.</p> <p>When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing negro.</p> <p>But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud and evidently worn with fatigue.</p> <p>"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de las' foh days?"</p> <p>And Sam answered simply:</p> <p>"Ah's been comin' back."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-91637994856056079352010-02-27T06:11:00.000-08:002010-02-27T06:12:37.068-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY GEOGRAPHYThe airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly assembled. The answer was explicit:<br /><br />"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-5438003449450877782010-02-25T07:35:00.001-08:002010-02-25T07:37:44.658-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY GENTLEMANThere has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing un to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:<br /><br />"Sir—I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this—<br /><br />"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-49369439358137433322010-02-25T07:33:00.000-08:002010-02-25T07:35:35.287-08:00FREE JOKE OF THE DAY GENDERIt is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the following question, because they are not always learned in the Old Testament.<br /><br />"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"<br /><br />Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab, necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever to do with the case.Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-35815044358583770982010-02-23T06:03:00.000-08:002010-02-23T06:04:01.721-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY FUSSINESS<p>The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:</p> <p>"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to yerself?"</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-31691919631147114902010-02-23T06:02:00.000-08:002010-02-23T06:03:29.482-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY FRENCH<p>An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:</p> <p>"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitté ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas où le trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route à la train?"</p> <p>"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak French, either."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-73921480265295740192010-02-22T04:39:00.000-08:002010-02-22T04:40:10.634-08:00Joke of the Day The clergyman<p>The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the congregation. The letter opened in this form:</p> <blockquote><p>"Dear Friends:</p> <p>"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so well."</p></blockquote>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-86200253119856707172010-02-22T04:38:00.000-08:002010-02-22T04:39:28.211-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY FRIENDSHIP<p>The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"> </a></span>into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely indeed.</p> <p>"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.</p> <p>The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:</p> <p>"I have one friend—but I hate him!"</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7416164024922704657.post-66330653649494426912010-02-21T02:20:00.002-08:002010-02-21T02:21:24.452-08:00JOKE OF THE DAY FRAUD<p>The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real diamond.</p> <p>"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."</p>Joke of the Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06137352093614597424noreply@blogger.com0