JOKE OF THE DAY HARD TO PLEASE

The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice:

"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done it."

The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:

"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."

"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."

JOKE OF THE DAY HAIR

The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented:

"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you want an extry puff."

Joke of the day It is a matter of...

It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League, an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the dock.

Joke of the Day The old woman

The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.

"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll begin again, and probably keep it up all day."

JOKE OF THE DAY HABIT

It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he directed them, "Please, stand up."

The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him, and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:

"We have ginerally sot."

JOKE OF THE DAY GRIEF

At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.

The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by the man.

"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I cut up."

JOKE OF THE DAY GREED

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:

"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:

"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."

"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.

"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

JOKE OF THE DAY GRASS

The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and shouted:

"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would have given two hundred dollars an acre for."

Joke of the Day The witness

The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:

"Them hain't the boots what was stole."

The judge rebuked the witness sternly:

"Speak grammatic, young man—speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots as was stealed.'"

Joke of the Day The teacher

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply.

The teacher corrected the child:

"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'" And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you say all that?"

The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.

"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."

JOKE OF THE DAY GRAMMAR

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb.

"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.

The little girl corrected the lady:

"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."

Joke of the Day The new clergyman

The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.
"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practise it!"

JOKE OF THE DAY GRACE

The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the special service through which he had passed, but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too, he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his protest, however, the father insisted.

So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:

"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"

JOKE OF THE DAY GOLF

The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.

"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even than you are."

"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.

And the caddy replied:

"Arbuthnot-Joyce."

JOKE OF THE DAY GOD'S WILL

The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her:

"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and it's deader 'n dead."

His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:

"Yes, we beat it and beat it until—until God called it home!"

JOKE OF THE DAY GOD

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable pride:

"I'm drawing a picture of God."

"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen God. No one knows how God looks."

"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they will."

JOKE OF THE DAY GHOSTS

There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid, he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not, however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to the haunted house for the night.

When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing negro.

But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud and evidently worn with fatigue.

"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de las' foh days?"

And Sam answered simply:

"Ah's been comin' back."

JOKE OF THE DAY GEOGRAPHY

The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly assembled. The answer was explicit:

"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."

JOKE OF THE DAY GENTLEMAN

There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing un to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:

"Sir—I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this—

"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"

FREE JOKE OF THE DAY GENDER

It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the following question, because they are not always learned in the Old Testament.

"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"

Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab, necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever to do with the case.

JOKE OF THE DAY FUSSINESS

The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:

"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to yerself?"

JOKE OF THE DAY FRENCH

An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:

"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitté ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas où le trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route à la train?"

"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak French, either."

Joke of the Day The clergyman

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the congregation. The letter opened in this form:

"Dear Friends:

"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so well."

JOKE OF THE DAY FRIENDSHIP

The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely indeed.

"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.

The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:

"I have one friend—but I hate him!"

JOKE OF THE DAY FRAUD

The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real diamond.

"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."

Joke of the Day A worker...

A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning the bride:

"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"

The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:

"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure would have given her three or four more passes."

JOKE OF THE DAY FORM

The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:

"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."

Joke of the Day The clergyman

The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she addressed in a strenuous whisper:

"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as fast as you can, and fetch the baby."

Joke of the Day Two men

Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential, and exhibited a string tied around a finger.

"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"

A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.

"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to remind you of?"

The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:

"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and then my wife told me what the string was for all right—she certainly did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind me to be sure to come home early."

JOKE OF THE DAY FORGETFULNESS

The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men slouching past him.

"Hi, you! where are you going?"

"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid dis-heah plank."

"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.

The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed good-naturedly:

"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean forgitted dat plank!"

JOKE OF THE DAY FORESIGHT

The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall; the mistress preferred the west wall.

The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.

"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."

JOKE OF THE DAY FOREHANDEDNESS

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.

Joke of the day The young mother

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."

JOKE OF THE DAY FOOD

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time.

A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a comment as the speaker paused:

"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.

"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a—er—culinary sense."

JOKE OF THE DAY FOLLIES

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would surely run after them.

JOKE OF THE DAY FOG

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

"Into the river—I've just come out!"

JOKE OF THE DAY FLOWERS

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning—

"An attachment à la Plato

For a bashful young potato."

Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following paragraph:

"At —— Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ——, eldest son of Mr. and Mrs. ——, and a bouquet of pink carnations."

JOKE OF THE DAY FLOOD

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.

"Awful rainy spell—like the flood."

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.

"The flood—Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:

"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."

JOKE OF THE DAY FLIRTATION

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him:

"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."

"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."

JOKE OF THE DAY FLEAS

The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner by the distinguished statesman.

"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.

Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant smile.

"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."

JOKE OF THE DAY FLATTERY

An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:

"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."

The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme scorn, and hissed:

"Sir, you flatter yourself!"

JOKE OF THE DAY FISHING

The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of tuna fishing.

"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less than a hundred pounds is poor sport."

The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:

"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"

The congressman nodded.

"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch one?"

JOKE OF THE DAY FINANCIERS

"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.

"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are in jail, too."

Joke of the day The eminent banker

The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:

"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, Bank. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty dollars of my own money."

Joke of the day The eminent financier

The eminent financier was discoursing.

"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people want."

"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."

The financier shook his head contemptuously.

"No—to corner it."

Joke of the day The successful financier

The successful financier snorted contemptuously.

"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."

"But only one honest way," a listener declared.

"What way is that?" the financier demanded.

"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

JOKE OF THE DAY FINANCE

A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who she was, and what her mission:

"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama, she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay some bills."

JOKE OF THE DAY FIGHTING

The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:

"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."

The father nodded gravely.

"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."

The little boy's face brightened.

"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"

JOKE OF THE DAY FAVORS

At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.

"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum, it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."

JOKE OF THE DAY FASHION

After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:

"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent clothes."

"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same kind the other women are wearing."

JOKE OF THE DAY FACTS

The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:

"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."

The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:

"Sech talk ain't nice—and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."

JOKE OF THE DAY EXTRAVAGANCE

A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.

But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her comment:

"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly, the thing looks skimpy—decidedly skimpy!"

For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.

JOKE OF THE DAY EXPLICITNESS

On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to do so.

"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure and take that pill."

"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me where to take it to."

JOKE OF THE DAY EXPERTS

There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."

JOKE OF THE DAY EXPERIENCE

The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy:

"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the room.

She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.

"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.

"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."

JOKE OF THE DAY EXPENSE ACCOUNT

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:

"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."

The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the final clause.

"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double her wages."

JOKE OF THE DAY EXPECTANCY

An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for another job.

"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.

Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the only means. Pat's lunch was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.

"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.

"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.

Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike reproachfully.

"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded in his voice.

"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to bounce!"

JOKE OF THE DAY EXCLUSIVENESS

One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the darky encountered the minister.

"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent me an answer las' night."

"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did the Lord say?"

"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't git in dere. Ah know you can't—'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"

Joke of the day Shall I leave...

"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.

"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty dollars for a new hat."

Joke of the day The smug...

The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on the road.

"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"

"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an' when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"

JOKE OF THE DAY EVIDENCE

The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing:

"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial evidence."

JOKE OF THE DAY EPITAPH

In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription which runs thus:

"This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."

JOKE OF THE DAY ENOUGH

The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:

"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."

The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.

"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss—I done got a quarter."

JOKE OF THE DAY ELOPEMENT

Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details.

"What about her father? Did he catch you?"

"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us still."

JOKE OF THE DAY ELEPHANT

A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts.

"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."

JOKE OF THE DAY EGOTISM

The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:

"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."

"What's the matter now?"

The pessimist answered dolefully:

"Don't you see that it is raining?"

JOKE OF THE DAY EGGS

The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.

"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why you should want to leave."

"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an' never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o' hens."

Joke of the day

An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:

"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"

"Three days, señor," was the answer.

"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to return home on the same day."

"Very good, señor," the native agreed courteously.

"But, señor, what shall we do with the other two days?"

Joke of the day The undertaker

The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their professional public performance.

"Have you any glue?"

The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.

"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.

But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:

"I found a tack."

JOKE OF THE DAY EFFICIENCY

In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:

"Can you do fancy cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you do plain cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you sew?"

"Naw."

"Can you do general housework?"

"Naw."

"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"

"Naw."

"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"

"I milk reindeer."

Joke of the Day Wife-Husband

Wife:—"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum that would keep a man looking shabby."

Husband:—"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."

JOKE OF THE DAY ECONOMY

One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on.

The other Japanese registered scorn.

"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless. Then I wave my head."

JOKE OF THE DAY EASY LIVING

The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling:

"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the crops—all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the sheriff."

SHORT JOKE OF THE DAY DUTY

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor:

"Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

JOKE OF THE THE DRUGGED

The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest.

"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been drugged."

The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:

"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the station."

Joke of the Day - The Irish gentleman

The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made gallant inquiries.

"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."

"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these days don't know what he dare eat or drink."

Joke of the Day - Kentucky colonel

When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.

"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a dozen Bibles in the whole state."

Joke of the Day - In the days...

In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he encountered a teetotaler friend.

The friend exclaimed mournfully:

"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"

The bibulous one wept sympathetically.

"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.

Joke of the Day - Mrs. Smith

Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal, and she spoke with a purr that was catty:

"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"

And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:

"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"

Joke of the Day- The old farmer

The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer spoke savagely:

"Dang yer hide, git up thar—or I'll drive smack over ye!"

Joke of the Day - The owner of a.......

The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old man shook his head dolefully.

"I've nae worn it since the accident."

"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."

"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."

Joke of the Day - A mouse chanced

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:

"Now, bring on your cat!"

Joke of the Day - A farmer

A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:

"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."

Joke of the Day - The old toper.......

The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also notorious for his bibulous habits.

"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."

Joke of the Day - Two Southern gentlemen

Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:

"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"

The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:

"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"

Funny Joke of the Day - The proprietor......

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.

"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.

"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.

When this had been provided:

"Now give me a quart of whiskey."

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:

"Now show me the cellar."

An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:

"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

Joke of the Day - The highly inebriated......

The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times, the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.

"Lost—Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"

JOKE OF THE DAY - The very convivial.......

The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and called aloud for succor:

"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"

JOKE OF THE DAY DRINK

It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.

As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.

"Collision?" he demanded.

"No," the conductor answered.

"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.

"No," said the conductor again.

"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have got off."

JOKE OF THE DAY - DRESS

The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.

"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.

The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:

"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."

"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort until I married you."

JOKE OF THE DAY - Oh, have you heard.....

"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress."

"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"

JOKE OF THE DAY DREAMS

The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:

"Do you believe that dreams come true?"

"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed that I went paddling—and I had!"

JOKE OF THE DAY DRAMA

The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.

"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"

FUNNY JOKE OF THE DAY DOUBT

Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this explanation was forthcoming:

"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."

JOKE OF THE DAY DOUBT

Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats.

"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid."

FUNNY JOKE OF THE DAY DOMESTIC QUARRELS

The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, and then remarked:

"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his own wife is a-talkin' to him?"

"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off your mind."

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Great collection of joke of the day

DOMESTIC QUARRELS JOKES

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a passion finally declared:

"I'm going home to my mother!"

The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his pocketbook.

"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your railroad fare."

The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband scornfully:

"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."

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Great collection of joke of the day

JOKE OF THE DAY DOMESTIC QUARRELS

After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:

"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"

"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.

"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"

"Ah sho'ly is."

"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.

The explanation was simple and sufficient:

"He died."

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Great collection of joke of the day

FUNNY JOKE OF THE DAY DOGS

Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is obviously the case of the actor named in this story.

The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog, a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as to the breed. The maid said:

"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a full-blood Sam Bernard."

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Great Collection of Joke of the Day

JOKE OF THE DAY - The meditative Hollander.....

The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:

"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again.

"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

JOKE OF THE DAY - The young clergyman

The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.

"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.

"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.

The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.

"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog."

JOKE OF THE DAY - During the siege of Paris

During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner. The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:

"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"

JOKE OF THE DAY - THE FOX.....

The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail of the dachshund.

"What's the big idea?" he inquired.

"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me remember an errand."

The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.

"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."

JOKE OF THE DAY - SHORT JOKES

Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical sentiment:

"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."

JOKE OF THE DAY DOGS

The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.

"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:

"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."

Funny Joke of the Day DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE

During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:

"V. Gates."

JOKE OF THE DAY DOCTRINE

In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his text and introduced his sermon as follows:

"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's table, and he was lame on both his feet.'

"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human depravity.—Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total depravity—he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of justification—for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of adoption—'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints—for we read that 'he did eat at the King's table continually.'"

JOKE OF THE DAY DOCTORS

The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:

"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy—he's sick."

"Is it serious?"

"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she mustn't do it."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.

"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students:

"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"

Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:

"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES

The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, as follows:

"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad—think me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy—no can come. Me get well."

DOCTORS JOKES

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:

"God save the King."

FUNNY JOKES DOCTORS

A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:

"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"

The sick man shook his head doubtfully.

"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far is my watch."

JOKE OF THE DAY DOCTORS

A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:

"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."

JOKE OF THE DAY DIVORCE

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.

"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband."

And the wife was explicit:

"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"

"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving all your assertions."

"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."

"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."

The husband interrupted angrily:

"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"

JOKE OF THE DAY DISCRETION

The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken. The puzzled observer questioned the lad:

"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of fussing with it like that?"

The answer was explicit:

"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."

JOKE OF THE DAY DISCIPLINE

Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother.

"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded. His mother nodded assent.

"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time 'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he continued:

"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"

JOKE OF THE DAY DIRT

We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his partner:

"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"

* * *

The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian grande dame remarked to her hostess:

"But how dirty your hands are."

The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:

"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"

FUNNY SHORT JOKES DIPLOMACY

Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady in this story.

At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the listeners complimented her.

"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my ignorance."

The professor spoke gallantly.

"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure you."

SHORT JOKES DIPLOMACY

The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same age who had offered her his seat in the car.

"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.

"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a daughter."

JOKE OF THE DAY DIPLOMACY

Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.

"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES DIPLOMACY

Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.

When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So, when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:

"Have you been begging cookies again?"

"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"

FUNNY JOKES DIPLOMACY

"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"

"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?"

"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till Saturday."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES DIGESTION

In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very nervous.

"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and rice and citron and chutney and—and——"

There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.

"Yes, you may name any other products of India."

"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."

FUNNY JOKES DIET

The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested:

"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."

"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if they didn't eat fish!"

REALLY FUNNY JOKES DEVIL

Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.

"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but the De'il's in my breeches!"

JOKE OF THE DAY DELAY

A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke thickly from her crowded mouth:

"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some hollerin' as is hollerin'."

JOKE OF THE DAY DEGREES IN DEGRADATION

Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter.

"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."

Phil May smiled, as he retorted:

"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."

SHORT JOKES DEFINITION

The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request.

"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES DEDICATION

The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:

"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"

REALLY FUNNY JOKES DEAFNESS

An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly, but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened intently—in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:

"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I haven't heard a single word."

The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the worried deaf man:

"I hain't been talkin'—jest a-chewin'."

JOKE OF THE DAY DEAFNESS

In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:

"The show is very good, don't you think?"

The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:

"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs ketches my breath."

"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his voice.

Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.

"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the ground, which the others ain't."

Now, the young man shouted:

"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"

At last the other understood.

"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin' enough for me."

JOKE OF THE DAY DEAD MEN'S SHOES

When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking:

"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"

"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES DEAD CERTAINTY

On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission sympathetically.

"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.

"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet. The hanging ain't till Friday."

SHORT JOKES DANGER

One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.

FUNNY JOKES DAMAGES

The child came to his mother in tears.

"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."

"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to do it?"

"I was pounding it with father's watch?"

SHORT FUNNY JOKES CURIOSITY

The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger in his mouth, and sucked it.

"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.

"Nothin'—jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."

FUNNY JOKES COWARDICE

The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:

"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"

"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."

It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars, shook her umbrella furiously.

"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"

FUNNY JOKES COURTESY

The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed him:

"Speak to the jury, sir—the men sitting behind you on the benches."

The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:

"Good-morning, gentlemen."

FUNNY SHORT JOKES COOKERY

The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.

"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."

FUNNY JOKES CONVERSION

A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the pious efforts in his behalf.

"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"

"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"

"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"

SHORT JOKES CONSTANCY

His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with sufficient clearness:

"I am dying—yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her—I died—with her name—on my lips, that I—loved her—her alone—always ... And Jennie—tell Jennie—the same thing."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES CONSCIENCE

The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older:

"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."

"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your tummie."

SHORT JOKES CONCEIT

"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a tone that was far from humble.

"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better than other folks' virtues."

FUNNY JOKES CONCEALMENT

The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments. When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy thus:

"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet along."

FUNNY JOKES COMPLIMENTS

"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.

"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a titter.

The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:

"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."

* * *

The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather unfortunately:

"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."

[Pg 59]

* * *

In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner. She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure with her.

"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness does me too great honor."

The prince answered coldly:

"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES COMPENSATION

Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:

"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."

JOKE OF THE DAY COMMUNITY

The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her:

"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?"

The young lady assumed an air of disdain.

"What is that to you?" she demanded.

"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection, we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."

JOKE OF THE DAY CLEANLINESS

The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and said:

"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"

* * *

The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival of the music teacher.

"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"

"Yes, mother."

"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"

"Yes, mother."

"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"

FUNNY JOKES CHURCH

The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand. "Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any. But James was equal to the emergency:

"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the seat."

Which he did.

* * *

The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the experience.

"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his head. "Dat ain't no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes ob the previous meetin'."

SHORT JOKES CHRISTMAS

A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug of the best whiskey.

The colored man spoke to the point:

"Ah burns wood."

* * *

Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the snow, and wept bitterly.

SHORT FUNNY JOKES CHRISTIANITY

A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:

"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.

"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"

FUNNY JOKES CHICKEN-STEALING

The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered:

"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"

There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:

"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"

JOKE OF THE DAY CHARITY

"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who was passing.

"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.

"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"